These are not the best ideas

Oh my gosh, it's been so long!

I stopped coming here because I had slowly turned it into the place I go to ruminate on however miserable I felt at the moment. Obviously that wasn't making anything better. Journaling can be a double-edged sword, I guess. But I'm going to try and stay more positive (or at least benign) on Dreamwidth from now on. If something big happens and I need to vent about it, fine, but no spiraling. ☝

Things have happened!

My name and gender are legally updated! It was so much paperwork, travel and calling that I've kept the completed to-do list in my notes as a trophy. Heck, this is part of why I moved up here. Feels so good to have it behind me! wait that came out wrong
I'm on Medicaid! Who will not pay for my ADHD meds because apparently I am not in the expected age group. Whatever that means. I'm not even remotely surprised. There's no such thing as good health insurance, and in my financial bracket? Forgeddaboudit. Thankfully they cover my HRT, so that's still huge help.

I saw my old friends from my hometown recently! I was so glad to see them, and we got to hang out for quite a while. It healed a hole in my heart to know that we still have that connection, even if we barely see each other anymore.

I met a moot for pizza!? At last, I have lived my lifelong dream and met an online friend for soda and pepperoni. It was an hour drive both ways, but it was worth it. We'd have done something more interesting than pizza but we're both dirt poor. Next time!

aaaaand...

My grandfather is now in a nursing home. End of an era. He finally became too much, and we moved him two weeks ago. Miraculously, we found a veteran's home that is actually very nice. We've been checking on him several times a week, and he's actually happier than he's been in a long time! With the dementia, he hasn't even noticed that he isn't "home" anymore. It's a weird blessing in disguise, but we'll take it.

I've dug up a few family Christmas videos to see him as the man he actually was. For all the screaming, bigotry, and destruction we had to deal with for so long, none of that was him. I mean to burn that mean-spirited parody out of my memories until only the real Grandpa remains. He was always sweet, smiling and laughing, and that's what I'll remember once he's gone.

We've all been in a state of... recovery? Since then? Kind of a stupor? I think this week I'm starting to put myself back together. Between that and the upped dosage of ADHD meds tomorrow, I'm hopeful about the next chapter.

The doctor's diagnosis was that I do not have ADHD.

I mean, yeah I frequently forget what someone was saying to me mid-conversation and have to bluff my way through the rest.
Yeah I routinely look at my empty hand, not remembering where, when or that I put down what I was holding.
Yeah I can't focus on a task for more than ten minutes.
Sure I have hair-trigger rejection dysphoria.
And of course I have to read the same paragraph over and over and over and over because my mind won't stop wandering.
And yes it can be said that I only have the mental energy for one large task per day, if that.
True, I do routinely forget things I was supposed to be doing or working on until it's too late.
Sure, I overlook details so often that I shy away from online chats because I frequently miss things they had just told me and it becomes really embarrassing.
Sure it takes me hours or even days to start a simple task.
Sure, I get so easily confused by instructions that I literally did the entire first minute of the ADHD test wrong because I misunderstood what was asked of me.
Naturally yes I lose track of time constantly, to the point that nothing gets done and I find myself working late in the night every night.
And of course I routinely lose all track of time and I swear to god I honestly just typed that out a second time because I legit forgot that I JUST wrote about that one sentence ago.

BUT.

It turns out I'm very good at tracking a square dot on a screen and clicking a button.

So I don't have ADHD.

Huff. Let's try this post again now that I've calmed down.

We're around three weeks into an unplanned break from social media. My insecurity skyrocketed to the point that every online interaction made me afraid of rejection, even with old friends. And perceived rejection—no matter how baseless—felt like the end of the world. The constant anxiety left me emotionally drained, so I took a break to log off and touch grass.

It didn't work, I still feel terrible. 😶

Maybe it's the isolation? With the support group in flux and buried in drama, I don't have steady friends up here. My hometown friends are hundreds of miles away. Just me and the screaming old man. Online friends are pretty much all I have right now, and I think maybe I'm subconsciously getting scared I'll lose them too? Which is silly, but the subconscious isn't known for its rationality.

Supposedly, rejection dysphoria is a symptom of ADHD. I've always had a hundred other reasons to suspect that I have the condition, I just didn't really care. However, I'll gladly seek treatment if it means putting an end to these hair-trigger heartbreaks. So I've scheduled an appointment to be tested.

Until then, I... guess I'll come out of the break tomorrow? I don't know.

It'll mean constant dread again, but at least I'll be talking to people.

"Oh! My phone broke and I can't afford a new one. I can't read my stories in the library anymore. That's okay, it's a hobby now, I can continue at home! I can keep the momentum for all my activities going!"
You already know where this is going hasdjkflhjdlaskh
not me sitting here, waiting for my cousin's old spare to arrive in the mail

Setting myself a physical space to read (i.e. the library) was the smartest thing I've done yet this year. I finished a 550-page book and I'm a few chapters into the next story. I feel like a competent person again!

And making it the first thing I do (on non-work days) gives me... executive momentum? Like I have the motivation to go ahead and start with other tasks for the day. Structure! It gives me structure.

Too bad the library's closed on Sundays.

HAPPY CLAENDAR SWAP
I drank a lot of fire ball at once

It was a shitty year, to be sure. But it ended right.

Most of the year was spent caring for a screaming crazy man who doesn't like me. That's liable to sap anyone's creative energy dry I suppose, but it didn't stop me from being frustrated with myself. By the time December rolled around and other people began doing "2024 art summaries" of their work, I spiraled hard. Calling myself an "artist" felt like a joke (and still does sometimes).

I moved up to live with that crazy man mid-October. I was hoping that I could find a job as quickly as possible and escape to my own place—and my own life—again. Except no one called back, even after months of applications of resumes. Which of course means I've been in a state of constant financial panic.

I've had a lot of reasons to feel like a failure lately; started feeling like I always would be, too. Like maybe I don't have or deserve a future.

I finally snapped out of it the other night. Nothing set it off, I just... I suppose sometimes you can take all of your doubts and frustrations and sadness, say "the hell do I actually need this for?" and drop it all. Temporarily, at least.

Except the next morning, I got a callback from the job that I was the most hopeful about: a position I have six years of experience in and enjoyed. I get a formal interview in the next week or two.

Talk about a positive attitude being rewarded. I know it's just one thing, but... it's employment! Financial security! That makes everything feel a lot lighter. This means I might find my own place. That I can soon start a dozen things I've needed to do but couldn't afford.

For the first time in maybe a year, I believe in my heart that I'm going to be okay.

So, even though it's been a shit year, at least it ends on the same note as the end of 2021. I'm hopeful.

The move is over, and I've just about settled in and rested up. I still have stuff to deal with, but I'm also taking time to do a little work on myself.

Sooooo I've kinda shut down in a lot of ways. I stopped talking to people online, stopped reading anything at all, novels, fics (which sucks because most of my friends and moots are skilled writers and I feel like a prick), I stopped watching any new shows or movies, stopped playing any new games... Basically, my brain's gates closed down at some point in recent years. I never have the mental energy.

I've become a zombie.

It occurs to me that the energy probably won't ever come back to me on its own, or it would have happened by now; so I need to build it back up as a habit. If it won't come to me, I'll go to it.

I'm starting small. Once a day, I want to...

• Say something on Discord.
• Read one chapter of something.
• Watch one episode of a new show.

I've spoken up on two servers already, so that's something. Started reading too. Haven't started a show yet, but I have a few downloaded that I've been meaning to get to. I'm working on Kontext pages at friggin last, so that's bolstering my spirits. Now if I can just balance it with the other stuff.

I dunno. It's a weird, confusing time, and I don't think being a hermit living under a rock is doing me any favors. I only hope I don't burn myself out and return to square one. The hope is to normalize this stuff and feel more like a person instead of a walking talking "loading..." animation. XD

Well I'm just gonna gush, because it's been the best week in a long while!

Fanart fanart

For one thing, Kontext has been getting some unexpected love! Two new patrons, several people literally binging the whole thing start to finish, one friend is offering a chance for a free commission to anyone who retweets the last page of the comic just out of the goodness of their heart, and someone even drew fanart so good that I want to print it out and EAT IT. Seriously look at that! By brigriv, no less!

And all while the comic is months between public updates, too, which is what shocks me the most. It's like they can sense that I'm toiling in the shadows. XD

Voice assistance

Just as importantly, I've finally, finally found genuine, certified, professional voice coaching... for free! A particular Discord server offers free public lessons on a weekly basis. I sat in on one session as an observer: one person at a time reads a passage, and receives feedback on their voice from the others in the session, including a professional voice coach. The feedback I heard was incredibly promising.

In short, I've finally found exactly what I've been seeking for years! 🥹

Granted, it'll be mildly terrifying to have my voice assessed by a group instead of one on one. But if that's what it takes, that's what I'm doing.

I came home (for good!) nine days ago, and the time since then has been wonderful. Truly, no notes. I've caught up with friends, had good food, and I've been drawing again. It's been great!

Which is why I'm perfectly okay with having crushing dysphoria today.