These are not the best ideas

Hey,
I know I had disabled comments on that last entry, but I just want you to know that I'm very grateful for you guys reaching out anyway. I really did need it. ♥

And I'm much better now. My friend got married last weekend and the whole celebration as amazing and uplifting, I got to see and hang out with friends all night. We all even went to a bar after to hang out some more. XD I'm going to go watch a movie with two friends and meet up with another before the move, and I'm just generally feeling a lot more positive about things.

(The wedding was a little terrifying because I had never worn a dress in public before?? But it worked out, even got some compliments, so I walked away with a boost in my self-image. Yay!)

((I felt catastrophically dysphoric at one point for a few minutes, but weirdly, it wasn't dress-related lol))

Things are good! But it's a rambley one, so have a cut.

( Futility part 2: we are so back )

( Wanderlust )

( Five years HAHAHAHAHA )

I was helping a friend with her yard sale the other day. She got a new puppy and we are already best friends. ♥ Anyway, during the downtime between customers we would talk about whatever, and eventually I had mentioned my voice training was flopping.

Turns out, an old mutual friend of ours has been professionally singing and voice coaching, and even has close friends in the Trans Voices Masterclasses at Opera Programs Berlin. And she lives in the Atlanta area! (Not far from me!)

I just got in touch with her, and we're meeting up in two weeks because she was like "absolutely I'll help you! It's on the house!" She's always been an outgoing person who loves to support people, and she's been vocal in supporting me ever since I came out. Now she's going above and beyond.

I may not have much money, but on god I am going to buy this woman lunch so hard. o(*°▽°*)o

Well, somehow I managed to resume sessions as normal this week, and worked on my voice every day. Yay.

Not that it matters. It feels like I haven't made any progress at all. Today, I had to stop early because I was getting too upset. This is the second time that's happened. I've felt like shit ever since.

What if I never figure it out? I don't know what I'm doing wrong, and I can't find any resource capable of helping.

I think what makes the whole thing so stressful isn't just the pressure, it's having to hear my unmodified voice over and over and over and over. It's like hearing your deadname over and over and over and over. The dysphoria adds up and makes the whole process increasingly unpleasant.

There's plenty of extra stress and worry in my life at the moment, which is probably why this is hitting me so hard. I'm trying to be patient and take it in stride. Failing, but trying.

I've been feeling physically and mentally awful since Friday, most likely sick with something. But from Monday to Thursday, I continued studying and practicing.

For reference, this is the playlist I've been working with. As someone who has studied so little about the human voice, it shocks me just how many factors are at play shaping what it sounds like.

I've gained a steady control of my pitch, resonance and weight individually, but combining them sounds... how to put it. It doesn't sound awful exactly, but it definitely sounds like I'm doing a voice, if that makes any sense. I can produce it without any strain, but it doesn't sound "correct" coming from me.

The good news is, I know what I want to sound like — I even had a friend listen to my goal and they instantly agreed that it would fit me perfectly — but I don't know how to get there from here.

I've reached the end of the playlist, too. So the best I can do now is just experiment and explore. That may be the hardest part for me. I'm too self-conscious to try it where I can be heard. Heck, I literally got in my car and did all of my exercises so far in a parking lot! 😅 And I don't know how to get any device to effectively play my voice back to me with a several-second delay. So I'm... not really sure where to go.

And there were aspects of voice the playlist decidedly did not cover. But they did say that it would come up later. Now here I am at later, and I can't find that info.

I had two one-on-one sessions with one of the coaches from that channel many months ago, when I was far more clueless. I'm going to go back through the recordings of those sessions next and see if I missed anything.

I know part of my problem is inflection. Your speech patterns are taught as pervasively as any other social aspect of gender, except they're oh so much more subtle and complex. Even a single-syllable word can sound different in like four ways when you pay close attention. So I need to find a decent voice reference and study the hell out of it.

Sigh. There's so much road left to walk, but at least I'm moving.

Okay, this is me swearing to whomever reads this that this is the week where I dig in and begin training my voice properly.

I've been saying "I'll start on it next week" for almost two years. I don't even know how I've managed to do that to myself.

I bend over backwards to avoid speaking while in public, I shy away from voice chats, I shy away from job interviews. I'm very tired of all that.

It's truly wonderful that I look in the mirror and see myself — a luxury I didn't have until recent times.

But I still hear someone else, same as ever. And that's the worst part. My self-perception of my own conversations (and even thought processes on some level) still register that way, because it's what I hear when I speak. In a way, it's the last big hurdle in my transition.

Voice feminization isn't some sort of "requirement" for mtf transition; many people never bother, and I'm happy for them. But I do need this, for me.

So, this is me declaring that I'm getting it done.
Posting again in a week for accountability purposes! :U

I've been flying high lately! I've been reconnecting with old friends, out planting flowers with new friends, going to concerts, got so far ahead on my comic that I've been able to create a ton of other artwork on the side, I'm reading novels for the first time in years, the weather's been consistently lovely, I've fully come out to everyone publicly and have been met with only love and support... this is a very shiny chapter of my life. (I may end up calling off the Atlanta trip but whatever.)

Thank god I got through the shitstorm that was 2022, especially the latter half.

It was rough, but I fought. When I realized I couldn't handle it anymore, I didn't hesitate to reach out for help. I got counseling, therapy, even Prozac. I have no idea if the Prozac helped, but if there's even a chance that it took any of the edge off, it was worth the investment.

( I also hope it's worth whatever happens next, because I just discontinued it. )

So yeah if I start crashing by this weekend, give me a good slap and remind me that my brain's resettling. 😅

The animal hospital was indeed doing an extremely slow background check. I begin July 4th June 27th. :)

I'd be more enthusiastic about my relief, but the start date puts my first paycheck 3-4 weeks away. I've found myself asking my parents to lend me enough money to eat and keep the lights on. I'm not exactly thrilled about it, but thankfully, they're being incredibly understanding about the whole situation. I'm not out of the woods, but the trees are thinning.

I just asked my friend about that second job to see if it will ever actually happen. If it does, I'm taking both jobs. The animal hospital job I'd almost do for free, I like it that much. But the other job would be life-changing (read: pays well).

I only hope the second half of 2022 is calmer than the first.

( Transition stuff beyond. Not TMI or anything, but it's basically been the only other interesting topic in my life lately. )