Social Insecurity
Feb. 13th, 2023 01:32 amI'm a bit frustrated with myself.
By the end of 2021, I was so eager to talk to people online and meet people irl: a state of mind that was very new to me, and I loved it. Then 2022 got worse, and worse, and worse. Working nonstop overtime at a short-staffed job for an uncaring, rotten clientele who coworkers said were far worse than even retail(!?). A hidden genre of pet-owners who I'm convinced only keep pets because no sane human would go near them. I'm not surprised that it's been hard for me to interact with anyone since then.
The thing about that job that I was looking forward to the most? A fresh opportunity to meet who I thought were going to be fun people with fun pets. A great environment for a freshly hatched ex-hermit.
Now here I am again, lurking online. Taking almost a week to answer messages or comments. Overthinking how I probably screwed up the last thing I said to someone. Feeling irrational sadness if I send someone a comment alongside several other people and I'm the only one who doesn't get answered. Not wanting to post pages because I don't want to be perceived. There's one conversation with a friend the other day that I could have handled so much better, and I've been actually losing sleep over whether they're mad about it or if I should apologize or if they hate me forever. Simultaneously too scared to join in on any conversation or activity, yet kicking myself for missing out. Not going out into town to hang out with people.
Socially speaking, I'm afraid I'm right where I was many years ago.
Thankfully, in most other ways, I'm in a far better place than I was then. I have a lot to look forward to, and I feel better about myself than I ever have. But I dearly miss being comfortable with having friends. I don't know how to get that back.
...
Oh tomorrow would be Valentine's Day, wouldn't it???
By the end of 2021, I was so eager to talk to people online and meet people irl: a state of mind that was very new to me, and I loved it. Then 2022 got worse, and worse, and worse. Working nonstop overtime at a short-staffed job for an uncaring, rotten clientele who coworkers said were far worse than even retail(!?). A hidden genre of pet-owners who I'm convinced only keep pets because no sane human would go near them. I'm not surprised that it's been hard for me to interact with anyone since then.
The thing about that job that I was looking forward to the most? A fresh opportunity to meet who I thought were going to be fun people with fun pets. A great environment for a freshly hatched ex-hermit.
Now here I am again, lurking online. Taking almost a week to answer messages or comments. Overthinking how I probably screwed up the last thing I said to someone. Feeling irrational sadness if I send someone a comment alongside several other people and I'm the only one who doesn't get answered. Not wanting to post pages because I don't want to be perceived. There's one conversation with a friend the other day that I could have handled so much better, and I've been actually losing sleep over whether they're mad about it or if I should apologize or if they hate me forever. Simultaneously too scared to join in on any conversation or activity, yet kicking myself for missing out. Not going out into town to hang out with people.
Socially speaking, I'm afraid I'm right where I was many years ago.
Thankfully, in most other ways, I'm in a far better place than I was then. I have a lot to look forward to, and I feel better about myself than I ever have. But I dearly miss being comfortable with having friends. I don't know how to get that back.
...
Oh tomorrow would be Valentine's Day, wouldn't it???
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