2024get about it, choose hope instead

It was a shitty year, to be sure. But it ended right.

Most of the year was spent caring for a screaming crazy man who doesn't like me. That's liable to sap anyone's creative energy dry I suppose, but it didn't stop me from being frustrated with myself. By the time December rolled around and other people began doing "2024 art summaries" of their work, I spiraled hard. Calling myself an "artist" felt like a joke (and still does sometimes).

I moved up to live with that crazy man mid-October. I was hoping that I could find a job as quickly as possible and escape to my own place—and my own life—again. Except no one called back, even after months of applications of resumes. Which of course means I've been in a state of constant financial panic.

I've had a lot of reasons to feel like a failure lately; started feeling like I always would be, too. Like maybe I don't have or deserve a future.

I finally snapped out of it the other night. Nothing set it off, I just... I suppose sometimes you can take all of your doubts and frustrations and sadness, say "the hell do I actually need this for?" and drop it all. Temporarily, at least.

Except the next morning, I got a callback from the job that I was the most hopeful about: a position I have six years of experience in and enjoyed. I get a formal interview in the next week or two.

Talk about a positive attitude being rewarded. I know it's just one thing, but... it's employment! Financial security! That makes everything feel a lot lighter. This means I might find my own place. That I can soon start a dozen things I've needed to do but couldn't afford.

For the first time in maybe a year, I believe in my heart that I'm going to be okay.

So, even though it's been a shit year, at least it ends on the same note as the end of 2021. I'm hopeful.

2024 bullet-point recap

I like Deemoyza's format for summing up the year, so I'm semi-copying it XD

Partly because it's been easy to come down on myself, and I think marking the things I have accomplished might be the healthy thing to do. Even if the list is shorter than I'd like.

Life changes I didn't have much of a say in:

• Cared for grandfather for many months. (Still am, but I'm not doing it alone anymore)
• Moved to a new state.
• Said goodbye to a lot of friends. (Counting that as a separate thing because god it broke my heart)

Things I've done:

• Made a lot of new friends. ♥
• Posted eight or so "finished" art pieces. (Eight??? Ughhhhh)
• Completed fifteen pages of Kontext. (Pitiful, but more than I thought at least)
• Did a bunch of design work for Kontext.
• Modeled a detailed 3D render of Ultimecia's castle, all exteriors. (Okay I'm pretty proud of this one)
• Got a government ID marked fem! ♀️
• Got my ears pierced.
• Mountains of job hunting. (And I think I'm getting hired for a good one soon so yay!)
• Attended a friend's wedding in a cocktail dress. (Oh my god this was terrifying lmao)

Things I wanted to do but didn't/couldn't:

• Change my legal name.
• Join a gym.
• Voice feminization training. (Again :T)
• NonKontexual art projects. (Lady of the Empty, Absolutus, random art, etc.)
• Print Kontext books.
• Regularly read books and fics again.

Hopes for 2025:

• Everything above. (Except for the printed books, too expensive)
• Get my own home/apartment/place.
• Go to the beach, OR...
• Go to a Dark Sky Place where I can see the Milky Way.
• Get my ADHD diagnosis (no doubt) and meds as needed.
• Complete chapter 4 of Kontext.
• Meet online friends at a convention! (No specifics, just a general wish)
• Make more friends. I guess that one's semi-universal but still. ^^